Captain Kyso was born on the planet Torso* around the same time corporate culture was invented. He lived in a time where wearing an item of clothing with a collar on it was a crime punishable by law (so was using the word ‘synergy’, but that’s another story). It was a happier time where men and women roamed about wearing cool t-shirt designs and smoking ma and drinking wheat beer chocolate milk all day long.
Then, along came the Corporate Age, with its glitzy veneer hiding the iron fist of pinstripes and conformity; its staid colours and polo-necks washing away the metaphor this sentence was supposed to be. People were lonely and unhappy; they shuffled along uncomfortably, their tight neck-ties making them gasp for breath, and made their way to supermarkets to buy vanilla ice-cream and plain one-size-fits-all t-shirts, while presumably listening to that time’s equivalent of Justin Bieber.
Creative t-shirt designs were frowned upon, as they might stimulate the populace into thinking and thereby revolting. The rulers were collectively known as the ‘Establishment’, and they went around imprisoning all the creative free-thinkers of the world, who were collectively known as the ‘Visionaries’. It was an infinitely more depressing time than today, even though we live in a world where Two And A Half Men is a hit TV show and Arrested Development got cancelled after a mere three seasons.
The last straw was when they made the word ‘synergy’ legal again with the Oxford Dictionary naming it the “Word of the Year”.
*Tragic music begins*
*Slow-motion black and white montage of untold misery and suffering*
*Tragic music ends*
Right, so where were we? Oh yes, deep suffering. So, yeah, the Visionaries started a resistance movement that involved open defiance and civil disobedience -- inspired by the likes of Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr, Jack Nicholson and Charlie Sheen. They called it the Kyso movement, which stands for Keep Your Shirt On (although, one smart Alec suggested abbreviating the slogan Shirt Lovers United Team; he was immediately asked to leave the movement). They rejected trousers and ties, wore (*gasp*) bright and unconventional colours and even started listening to (*double gasp*) indie music.
However, the Visionaries lacked organization and were ruthlessly persecuted. They could not win against the Establishment. They needed a hero.
At such a time, Captain Kyso (born Y Mann**) emerged from the depths of ignominy, fighting back against our corporate overlords and declaring war against dull, unimaginative formal clothing. A young and dynamic man, he quickly rose to become the leader of the Visionaries.
Not many know this, but before he became the Captain, Mr Mann used to work with the enemy (read: a hedge fund), which is why he understood the processes of brainwashing used by the Establishment. He figured out a way to beat the system with the help of his small but loyal band of followers.
The Visionaries regained large portions of power about a decade ago, all thanks to Captain Kyso. However, the Establishment hasn’t yet been defeated completely. They lurk in the shadows, biding their time and planning their next move. The Visionaries need you. The Kyso movement needs you. Captain Kyso needs you.
How can you help? Use this website to spread his message far and wide (he based his operations out of India because damn they sure need some decent t-shirts in that country). Contribute to the Visionaries’ campaign to continue fighting the Establishment by purchasing their original creations.
*Torso is a planet in another galaxy. No, your website is stupid.
** Y stands for Yuda.
Read about Mr. Ed - the talking horse here